you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
