I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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