he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
