It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
