someone threw a dead crab at me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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