wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
