and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
