ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
