hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He better not be in your backpack
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
