Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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