and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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