sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
