First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
are you so shy because you have an std?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
