Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
