The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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