I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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