im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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