last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
