I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
