Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
