please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
