if i can run in heels then i can drive
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
