yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Randomize
