if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
