It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
