I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
