do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
