Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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