Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
