My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
