I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
