She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
