i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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