i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
