you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You made out with two different species that night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
