How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm too high and old for this...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
