This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
