i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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