i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
