Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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