In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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