Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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