i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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