You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
