Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
