id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
