my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i was born a porn star she said
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
