The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
