if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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