She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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