I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
